Uremia Sucks!

Okay, not a pretty title...but not a pretty subject, either, and somehow "uremia doesn't feel good" or "uremia is the pits" just didn't cut it. By definition, uremia is the accumulation in the blood of constituents normally eliminated in the urine that produces a toxic condition and usually occurs in severe kidney disease. When the kidneys aren't functioning at a normal level, uremia can set in and it makes you feel very tired and physically uncomfortable.

Full blown kidney disease to the point of kidney failure is a rather perplexing condition. Some days, I wake up feeling pretty good, actually, and wonder why it is I am in line for a surgical procedure to replace a major organ. Other days, I am painfully reminded that my quality of life is being severely compromised.

Today, is one of those days that I feel stone cold sick. Following a night of insomnia, and a mere two hours of sleep, my body just can't seem to get in gear. I feel totally drained of energy. An undercurrent of nausea and a dull headache don't help. I'm also experiencing more body aches than I am accustomed to, in particular some strange, bee sting-like sensations that come and go in my legs. I've also noticed a succession of tiny blood vessels have burst near the surface of the skin on my hands...really icky!

It's very frustrating to have so much I want to do and so little stamina. It's also frustrating that I don't know how long it will be before I can take more positive measures to get my health going in a better direction. I'm only at the very beginning of the transplant process...and I am one of many who need such a procedure and will possibly have to wait a long time for my turn of the wheel to come up for a donor kidney, should my daughter not prove to be a match.

There are so many uncertainties at this point in time, and it's a battle to not let fear and worry get the better of you. Maintaining a positive attitude is of paramount importance, and it's a daily goal just to do the best I can with whatever I'm faced with on that particular day.

Family and friends help so much to keep me smiling and looking on the bright side through this process. I feel a deep and continual sense of gratitude for their love and support.

For any one who chances to come across my blog who's facing similar trials, my thoughts are with you. Keep up the good fight :)

Jeff

Summer was Jeff's favorite time of year and one of his favorite sayings was "Everything looks better when the sun's on it." For a man who loved the water and being outdoors, these words made a lot of sense. Jeff also felt best dressed when wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt accompanied by a comfortable pair of loafers. Suit and tie were not his style.

Jeff was one of those rare individuals who had a knack for putting other people at ease. He could tell a good story and spun endless yarns. He was a good listener, too, and many people sought him out for advice and counsel.

Jeff was famous for his backyard barbecues, which always drew a crowd. These gatherings included plenty of beer to go around, and, for a while, Jeff brewed his own. He also made a specialty hot sauce which tasted good on just about anything. We all looked forward to getting a couple bottles of his "special sauce" for Christmas each year.

Although Jeff was a craftsman, a woodworker who specialized in marine joinery, he was a man who wore many hats over his lifetime. After graduating from high school, he joined the US Air Force and was stationed in Berlin, Germany where he was a decoder in the 1960s. Also, notably, he invented a drop sorter for a lumber mill in New Mexico when he lived there in the 1970s, and he managed a marina and taught wood working at a community college when he moved to coastal North Carolina in the 1980s.

For a time, Jeff raised tropical fish he sold to local pet shops. The walls in his home were lined with tanks with colorful varieties of fish big and small. He also loved to sail. Some of my fondest memories of times shared with Jeff were those out on North Carolina's Pamlico Sound, the wind in our hair and always smiles on our faces. It was such a joy and carefree feeling to be out on the boat!

In addition to the fish tanks, the walls of Jeff's home were filled top to bottom with book shelves and an infinite supply of reading material in all subject areas. Jeff's favorite quiet pastime pursuit was reading, and he was a voracious reader. As a result, he literally became a walking encyclopedia and knew at least a little bit about just about anything.

Everybody loved Jeff. He had the biggest heart and he always had time for you. He didn't care where you'd been or who you were, you were welcome just because, and everyone was treated with kindness and decency. His friend's described him as having an "open door policy," and, true to this description, his door was indeed always open.

In addition to his multitudes of friends, Jeff was a devoted step father and maintained a 30 plus year relationship with his girlfriend. He was the oldest brother of five siblings. I am the baby of this bunch...Jeff's little sister...and I've always looked up to him and cherished our close relationship.

Jeff quietly slipped away from us this year...dying of a heart attack at 64 years of age on February 2nd, Ground Hog Day. I think the three more months of winter forecast just seemed too long to bear this year.

We all miss Jeff. We all have a sense of loss that time can't heal. But, we all know Jeff would rather us find the silver lining in the clouds, and, most of all, enjoy the sunshine...and...so we will.

Good Day for Business

Both Kevin and I are big collectors living in a small cabin. We found the perfect solution to what may have otherwise become a perfect storm. We started an antique and collectible business venture together, renting out a booth in an antique mall. Anything we can't fit into the cabin can and does make its way to the shelves of our booth...giving us more living space and making buyers happy with their new found treasures.

I've always liked the concept of selling vintage items and antiques...the idea that something can be enjoyed again and again and continue passing hands while accumulating value over time. Kevin has been able to share and pass on his love of old clocks and pocket watches and I have lined some of our shelf space with Steiff stuffed animals (you can see a sample of these across the upper shelf in the top photo), vintage jewelry, nature prints, and a wide variety of figurines collected over the years.

To add to our sales inventory, we visit other antique shops and flea markets and search for interesting pieces at affordable prices. We don't make a lot of money at what we do, but it's a lot of fun, and I fully enjoy finding pieces that I think are attractive and might brighten someone else's day when they come across the items in our booth.

Today, we went antiquing and I found several bone china animal figurines as well as a ginger jar and a couple of porcelain pieces that will make fine additions to our booth. Plus, we received word that Kevin sold a grandfather clock. The sale from that item alone will cover our booth rental for several months. So, it's been a good day for business and a fun day of collecting for us!

The lower photograph was taken just after we opened our business...the look of our booth is constantly changing as we sell some items, restock and sell others. It definitely keeps our collecting bug going and going :)

Evening Surprise

Just about every night after dinner, Kevin and I head outdoors for a short stroll around the cabin. Tonight, the air was full with the song of the wood thrush...so lyrical and distinctive with it's trill...and so beautiful! It's one of the sweetest bird songs ever. We were also serenaded by the unmistakable "Chip Burrrrr" of the scarlet tanager. Both birds are abundant in our woods.

Off to our side, we noticed a rustling in the leaves . On closer inspection, we found a toad. It was very docile and easy to catch, so of course I had to get a better look at him. What a beauty he was with his eyes of gold. He did not even pee on me, as toads are so prone to do when startled. Later on, I checked my field guide and found I had been cradling a Fowler's Toad in my hand Bufo woodhousei fowleri to be exact - a large toad, 2 1/2 - 5", with back blotched, chest unspotted. The guide book describes our toad's voice to be "like the bleat of a sheep with a cold." :) Good to know! We'll be sure now not to mistake the croak of our toad friend for a sick sheep in the forest! Fun stuff...

End Stage Renal Disease

My kidney disease was a gradual process...one that began years ago when I was misdiagnosed in my late teens. At that time, I was put on a drug therapy program which spanned more than a decade. It wreaked havoc on the organs which desperately tried to rid my body of the toxic effects of medications that I never should have been on. It's hard not to feel anger and regret over the medical mistakes made, but I'm pretty much past those feelings now. It's senseless to hold on to feelings that have no place to go and for which nothing can be done. Instead, I am extremely grateful to those physicians who turned my situation around and those who are now doing all they can to assure I will survive in as healthy a way as is possible.

There are five stages or levels to chronic kidney disease. At the top of the ladder, stage one, your kidney is in prime working condition. At the bottom, at stage five, your kidneys have failed to work properly and you need dialysis or a transplant. I am at stage five now. My nephrologist, a kidney specialist, highly recommends I seek a transplant. My basic good health, age, and opportunity for a favorable outcome, if I choose this route, all influenced this advisement.

My first reaction at the news was shock and a sense of pure dread. I knew I had been feeling very fatigued and vaguely ill for some time, but I wasn't ready to hear that I was at the point where this option for a kidney transplant was on the immediate horizon. I thought I would have many more years to keep going in a "holding pattern."

I spent the first few days after receiving the medical verdict seriously worried about dying. Outwardly, I think was coming across as pretty calm and stoic. Inwardly, I was freaking out. It takes some time to let this kind of news settle and face it with a degree of rationality!

I've since been in contact with Johns Hopkins Hospital and filled out the intial paperwork to get started on the transplant process. Many tests are required to see if a transplant is a viable option, afterwhich a living donor, if available, will be tested to see if he or she is a good match. My daughter has offered to be my donor. How incredibly generous and loving is that!?! Kevin is standing by my side through all of this, too. I am so fortunate to have both my daughter and my husband's total love and support.

So this is the beginning...I'm reading up on any information I can about the process and I will definitely be interested in joining a support group if we find that the transplant is indeed the path I will take. It's difficult to talk about such issues, but I learned long ago, it's more difficult still, especially in the long run, to keep things bottled up inside.

In the meantime, I continue to appreciate each day for the gifts and opportunities it brings.

DESIDERATA

Timeless words to live by, written in 1927, by scholar and poet, Max Ehrmann ...

The Desiderata of Happiness

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as all possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Cat Companions

Our lives are definitely more full and amusing because of our two cats Pacey and Jasper.

The "girls" are sisters. This year, they turn eleven years old. Though litter mates, in personality the two are as different as night and day.

Pacey, our gray tabby, is the alpha cat - independent, athletic, and sassy. Jasper, or Jazz as I frequently call her, is shy and docile with others but super cuddly with us and still very kitten-like in her ways. She enjoys chasing her tail and keeps herself amused by doing so for hours!

The girls are a song and dance duo :) Jasper is our "singer." Her grandmother was a Siamese cat, and Jasper takes after that breed as far as her vocal prowess goes. Pacey is our dancer. She has a tendency to perch up on her hind legs and spin...it's the wildest thing ever and very cute as you might imagine.

Cats are incredible animals in so many ways, not the least that they can and do cue into human emotion. They are constant sources of love and comfort. Just to gaze at them napping in a sun spot or to pet their silky fur and hear them purr creates a sense of peace and calm. They're a reminder that the simpler things in life ... like a nice nap after a good meal ... are the most satisfying.

Pacey and Jasper

Each and every day, I like to spend some time outdoors. It helps to relax and feel at one with the world. Kevin created a little oasis in front of our cabin when he added a koi pond, a favorite place to sit and reflect.

Our resident pond dweller, "Mrrrp" the frog!

This quiet spot definitely lends itself to pondering :)

I also have a lot of fun snapping photographs in the woods around the cabin. A couple of weeks ago, our mountain laurel bushes were in full bloom. Late one afternoon, right before the sun started to go down, I decided to take a few pictures of their delicate pink-trimmed, white blossoms. A tiny black moth was resting at the base of one clump of flowers, as you can see. This photo looks a little fuzzy here, but, in the original, the most amazing trails of light extend from the upper right hand corner down over the leaves and flowers with a magenta colored prism-like effect ... one of those rare flukes that makes amateur photography especially enjoyable!

It's time to get back outside to water the gardens. In addition to a variety of flowers, we're growing beans, tomatoes, peppers, herbs, cucumbers, and strawberries this summer. It takes a lot of effort to get our clay laden soils fertile to nurture the garden plants. Fortunately, we've got layers of leaf litter in the surrounding woods and we can simply dig up the rich, nutrient laden soil from under the fallen leaves and mix it in with the rocky, clay soils and the plants love it!

Wishing you peaceful moments...

First Post...and Why I Chose to Blog

Welcome to my first post! My blog site was born out of a desire to share my thoughts and feelings about life, especially at a time that is full of challenge. Two months ago, I learned that I need to undergo a kidney transplant. I've known for many years that my kidney function was dwindling, but my basic health has been good, so it was a little alarming to find that I didn't have any more time to contemplate my options. I'll write much more in coming blogs about my medical condition, and the physical and emotional aspects concerning getting a transplant, as I think it would be helpful information to others facing the same daunting procedure.

For now, a little more about me in introduction. I'm one of those super fortunate people who have found their true soul mate. It didn't happen right away, but after years of unsuccessful attempts at love and ill-fated partnerships, Kevin and I found each other in 2005 and we've been inseparable since. Kevin is my heart and my soul. We married earlier this month in a lovely outdoor ceremony with our family and close friends in attendance.

I've also been blessed with the most beautiful daughter a mother could ever dream of, admittedly, I'm biased...but it's true :) Desirae's already flown the nest and is living on her own, but remains close in all ways. I was a single parent for much of her life. Our bond has always been a strong one. One of my biggest joys in life was watching Desirae's life unfold and being their to guide her and help her grow. One of my biggest joys in life continues to be the pride I feel in how she manages her own life now. My life has also been and continues to be brightened by true friendships and a large extended family.

Although I feel my most valuable education stems from life's lessons in and of themselves, I've accumulated three college degrees over the years - in Geography, Park Management, and Environmental Science and Policy. My degrees are a pretty good representation of my main interests and passions in life - people, travel, nature and conservation. I see life as a journey...and the people we meet and the places we go, all shape who we are as individuals.

I've always loved to express myself through writing and drawing. I've dabbled in poetry and I enjoy botanical and wildlife illustration. I love watercolor painting, too! I've also been a letter writer all my life...making and maintaining friendships through correspondence. Only recently have I succumbed to e-mailing for its expediency and convenience. However, I still like to put pen to paper and write a good old fashioned letter. A handwritten letter is the most personal means of expression next to being there...a little piece of you there on paper for your receiver to hold near and dear.

In my fifty-one years on our planet, I've accumulated a lot of experiences and met so many interesting people with fascinating stories of their own. From our log cabin home in the mountains, I'll share with you, my readers, my own personal odyssey...the ups and downs, joys and tribulations of life past, present, and future. Thank you for joining me here!