The Bigger Picture

Having a chronic disease that worsens with time tends to gradually narrow one's focus. It's all too easy to be overtaken by the disease's advancing symptoms - the pains, worries and troubles associated with them.

My own experience with kidney dysfunction, and now end stage kidney disease, has been an experience from which I have learned so much. I've learned to better listen to my body and what it is telling me and also to understand that physical pain and discomfort, though certainly not pleasant or desirable to experience do not have to stop one in his or her tracks.

Anxiety is the bedfellow of sickness, but it doesn't have to have a crippling effect. I've discovered the more I learn about the disease, my treatment plan, and how to cope with the various issues that arise, the more calm I feel and the more ready and grateful I am for my upcoming transplant.

The transplant surgery was moved up a week, so now it will take place on Feb. 8. After meeting with the pre-op staff at Johns Hopkins and discussing the post-op regimen with a very encouraging treatment staff representative, I feel confident that the initial hardships of surgery and aftercare will be worth the eventual changes that lead to better health and a return to a greater quality of life. The anxieties I felt for so long are being replaced with a feeling of excitement and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the support of family and such a fine medical program.

I know the days ahead will have unique challenges and frustrations, but they will also be filled with new opportunities. As I get closer to the surgery date, I remind myself how fortunate I am to have the chance of a better life, and I never forget all the people who are helping me get there. It is because of them that this life altering step is possible.

I'll end this post with a quote that seemed very fitting to me ~ it pretty much sums up what I am trying to express ...

"Whatever the ups and downs of detail within our limited experience, the larger whole is primarily beautiful." ~Gregory Bateson

The Wait is (Almost) Over

Today, my daughter called me with some very good news...we have a scheduled date for the kidney transplant. As it turns out, the donor is the responsible party for securing a surgery date. Desirae and I both passed all the necessary medical tests and hurdles. Now, an end to this process is in sight. Our surgery is set for February 15...just a month away. What a relief!

Desirae is such a strong and confident one...not at all scared nor worried about her huge participatory roll in being my kidney donor. Of course, as her Mom, it worries me to no end that she is doing this for me, but, at the same time, I couldn't be more grateful to her. My one and only child is giving me the gift of continued life. No little feat!!!

This news came at a time when my spirits were starting to dip. I have really been feeling the ill effects of the disease's final stage and my energy is down to a bare minimum now. Hearing that we finally have a surgery date and that with Desirae's donated kidney I'll have the chance to live a healthier life with more vigor again, and knowing my daughter's work place and boyfriend are both very supportive of her, boosted my state of mind tremendously. Things are going to be okay.

Another month to go, some difficult times still to face, but things are already looking up.

Dawn of a New Year

Most mornings I awaken very early now...insomnia has had a hold on me since the kidney disease has progressed. Although there aren't too many benefits to losing sleep...to be awake in time for the sunrise is a true exception. This morning was extremely chilly outdoors. It was down to 12 degrees outside and the wind was howling. Tree branches flayed about and many of them snapped and fell to the ground. The electricity went out during the evening, and, if not for the warmth provided by our woodstove, we would have turned to popsicles.

After adding another log to the fire, I wrapped myself in a blanket and waited for the light of day to appear on the horizon. The colors were spectacular...starting off soft and almost powdery and then igniting in brilliance, as the red ball of the sun rose over the mountains in the distance. Just gazing at the sun's glow made me feel warm and at peace.

This beautiful sight that occurs in the sky each day is free for all to see. Wouldn't it make a difference if all of us would pause to revel in nature's beauty? For me, it is so awe inspiring, so tremendously powerful to realize with gratitude that I was granted the gift of life on earth, giving me the opportunity to revel in, as well as be a part of, life's splendors. It also makes me wonder how anyone can take life for granted or choose anything but a peaceful existence...with so much to experience, learn, and share...and really so little time in the scheme of things.

2010 is the dawn of a new year and a new decade. The last ten years were times too often overshadowed by greed, war, and personal suffering...all taking their toll on the collective human spirit. Perhaps, though, these very digressions can help us rethink our life's purpose. Thinking a little less of self and a little more for the other guy, we can all move forward with more grace, honor, and gratitude...remembering always that life is a gift.